DEVELOPING SELF-COMPASSION

Because mental health and depression are being talked about a lot these days, I thought, why not also talk about compassion, self-compassion!

If you were to go on a journey with someone for several decades, how meaningful should the relationship be between you two? Wouldn't you make an effort to ensure you get along well? Wouldn't you wanna make sure the relationship between the two of you should be positive and supportive?

In our journey of life, the one we are all on right now, is not so different from that hypothetical journey. Except rather than spending time with another person, the voice in our heads is our constant companion. But for many of us, the relationship between ourselves and that voice is not so positive. 

These days, self-criticism is a very common problem and should not be overlooked. The way in which you talk to yourself plays a vital role in your well-being too.

Self-Compassion basically means being gentle, kind, and understanding your own self and accepting that you are not perfect, and it is okay not to be perfect. It is the understanding that there is potential for learning and growth in every mistake you make. This understanding of compassion means offering patience, kindness, and non-judgemental understanding to others as well as oneself. Contrary to what people might believe, self-compassion is not equivalent to selfishness.

There is an easy way to understand this. The instructions that are given by the flight attendants in case of a depressurized airplane cabin: "put your own mask before helping the other one". In the exact same way, we need to look after ourselves before taking care of others.

Well, there are ways to do the same.

1. Stop punishing yourself for your mistakes. Accept that you are not perfect and be gentle with yourself when you are confronted with your shortcomings. Your friends and family value you because of who you are, not because you are faultless. Become aware of times when you derive a sense of self-worth from performance or perfection. Understand that you do not need to be in a certain way to be worthy of love. 

One way to remind yourself that you are worth, even when you're not performing well, is to put a sticky note near your desk or in your wallet with a message reminding you to be gentle and kind with yourself. 

2. Embrace challenges rather than avoiding them. How do you view challenges? as obstacles or opportunities? Employing a growth mindset is more helpful. Persist in finding meaning in those challenges and do not give up on yourself. When you find that you are criticizing yourself and negatively comparing yourself with others, try to find inspiration in the successes and strengths instead of feeling threatened.

3. Feeling gratitude is very powerful. Rather than wishing for what we do not have, there is strength in appreciating what we do have now. You can choose to write a journal or go on walks. By focusing on our blessings, we employ a gentle inner voice and move the focus away from our shortcomings and outward to the world, with all its beauty. 

4. We need to find the right level of generosity. There are basically three reciprocity styles: giver, taker, and matcher. Givers are, of course, the most generous people, and generosity is a great way of employing compassion. However, givers can be both the most successful and least successful people, as they may fall into a pattern of selfless giving that ignores their own needs.

For generosity to work in favor of your well-being, it cannot be selfless. So, when being generous, make sure you are aware of your own needs before progressing. Then consciously choose the recipient of your generosity, the resources you have available, and your level of energy based on what will support your well-being. Also, have fun being generous. Doing good for others makes us happy, but only if it does not reduce our levels of well-being.

5. We need to be mindful. Mindfulness has been said to have a positive impact on self-compassion, as it tends to lessen self-judgment. Strive to always be in the moment and to be aware of what is happening right now, without judgment and labeling. Allow what you think or feel to have its moment. Do not hide it in the corner. Allow it to come, and then, without attachment, let it go. 

You need to believe that you are worthy of love. So, next time you do not rise to the expectations you have for yourself, take a moment to pause and reassess.

Be mindful of the complicated emotions that arise. Forgive yourself and realize that you are only human. See if you can identify how to do it differently next time. Be grateful for the opportunity you had in the first place and for your persistence to try again.

Finally, accept yourself. You are not perfect. And yes, you likely could have done better. But chances are, you did just fine. And often, that is more than enough.

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection." -Buddha

XOXO,

Sanch.