TO WHERE I FEEL HOME, THE MOST

 "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

It was somewhat in the afternoon and he fell asleep. It didn't bother me because I knew there had been times when he had laid awake at night, unable to find rest. The moment he laid on top of me, his head against my chest, his ear to my heart. I ran my fingers through his hair and felt him loosen, symbolic of how relaxed he had become. For that moment, both of us forgot about the chaos going on in our lives, and the issues we've been dealing with. All we could think about was "How peaceful this is!". It was, indeed, peaceful. 

I wish I could explain to him his eyes, and how I am attracted to the sound of his voice (is that even a thing?). How his smile makes my heart skip a beat and how when I was with him, I felt complete. He is like nobody else in this entire world. When I was with him, I was split in half. Part of me was on fire, going crazy if I wasn't touching him. The other half was calm knowing that he was the one for me.

Alexithymia- the inability to express your feelings.

I know that there are a billion words in our language but for some reason, none of them can describe the way he made me feel. How do I say something? It just can't be put into words. What do I say without sounding absurd? I am caught between this smile and frown; these ups and downs. And above all, it is hard for me to put you or anything else about you into words because I love you in ways I have never loved anyone else. 

I cannot forget the color of your eyes, as those are what I see when I close my own. And although you've been gone long enough for most to forget this thought, the trace of your body fails to leave my mind. It's the connection we can't explain. There is something between us; a sort of pull. Something he always does to me, and I to him. The second I met you, both of us knew something was going to happen, both of us knew we needed something about each other. Turns out it wasn't something, it was all about each other. It was US!

Now,

We're not quite friends anymore, 'cause friends don't smile like that. Friends don't look at each other like that. Friends don't talk like that. Why does my voice still change when I talk to you? For me, that doesn't happen with friends. Anyone can see it, clear as a day. That we're not friends, we've just grown into something even greater. 

HOME!

The feeling of being curled up in your arms with our fingers intertwined and the soft feel of your breath on my neck can never be put into words. I can, however, tell you that it is where I belong and it is in those arms that I feel at home. And because you feel like home to me, I love you! 

"But how do you let go of the person that felt like home?"

There's a longing in my bones and I'm trying not to let it show. The aches grow to pains as I'm left here alone. My cells change like seasons, fast and painlessly and they're calling your arms my home. 

I can't even explain how I feel anymore, my thoughts are so messed up in my head that I don't even understand them. So I'm not going to say anything, as you may think I'm insane. You won't understand, and I can't explain. 

Sometimes you can't explain what you see in a person. It's just the way they take you to a place where no one else can. You took me there, you took me home. Little did I know, the first time I ever felt at home, would also be my last. 

XOXO,

Sanch.